Fat Pig: A Play - Softcover

Fat Pig
"That First Meeting with Her" A WOMAN in a crowded restaurant, standing at one of those tall tables. A bunch of food in front of her, and she is quietly eating it. By the way, she's a plus size. Very.  
After a moment, a MAN enters, juggling a lunch tray. He looks around, then moves toward her.  
MAN ... pretty big. WOMAN Excuse me? MAN I'm sorry, I was just sort of, you know, speaking out loud. Pretty big in here. That's what I was saying ... WOMAN Oh. Right. MAN Lots of room for, you know, people. WOMAN Yes. It's popular.  
The MAN looks around, trying to see if there's a spot for him yet.  
WOMAN You can eat here if you want. MAN No, I don't need to, umm ... WOMAN What? MAN I dunno, I hadn't really thought the rest of that one through! Ahh, "intrude," I guess. WOMAN You're not. I'll make some room for you. MAN You sure? WOMAN Of course. MAN Thanks.  
She stares at him a minute, then slides some of her food to one side, allowing him a space if he wants it.  
WOMAN I thought you meant me. Before. MAN I'm sorry? WOMAN When you said that, "pretty big," I thought you were saying that to me. About me. MAN Oh, no, God, no! I wouldn't ... You did? WOMAN For a second. MAN No, that'd be ... you know. Rude. WOMAN Still ... MAN I mean, why would I do that? A thing like that? I'm not ... WOMAN You'd be surprised. People say all kinds of things here. MAN In this place? WOMAN No, not just here, this restaurant or anything, I mean in the city. MAN So ... you mean, people actually ... what? Say things to your face? WOMAN Of course. All the time. MAN About what?  
She looks over at him without saying anything. Silence.  
WOMAN ... My hair color. ( Beat.) What do you think? MAN Oh, I see. ( Smiles.) Sure ... WOMAN It's not a huge deal--I was just mentioning it. MAN Yeah, but ... WOMAN You get used to it. I guess they think that--I don't know, after a certain size or whatever ... MAN Geez, that's hard to ... WOMAN I shouldn't have all this stuff for lunch, anyway, but I can't help it. I'm hungry. MAN Sure ... hey, it's lunchtime, right? WOMAN Yeah. MAN I mean, look at me ... look how much chicken they put on my salad! WOMAN That's not exactly comforting ... MAN I just meant ... whatever. Sorry. WOMAN I had three pieces of pizza, and the garlic bread, and a salad. Plus dessert ... MAN Hey, you know ... It's your ... WOMAN How does that sentence end? MAN Badly, I'm sure! Hell, it's your body, you do what you want. That's what I think ... WOMAN Really? MAN Of course. I mean ... WOMAN So, do you really like sprouts or does that only hold true for me? Your little theory there ... MAN No, I'm just ... I had a really big breakfast, so I'm ... WOMAN That's a lie. MAN Ahh, yeah. Yes, it was. You saw through that one ... Damn, you seem pretty good at this! WOMAN What, the truth? MAN Yeah, that. WOMAN I'm not bad, actually ... not too bad at all.  
A moment between them; then they both get down to some serious eating.  
WOMAN Yes, I'm over at the library. I was at an interview, actually, for a different branch ... that's why I have the, you know, "Miss Kitty" hair today, All dolled up.  
The MAN nods and points at a plastic bag on the table.  
MAN Ahh, cool I get it. Gunsmoke. You look nice. ( Grins.) Yeah, I saw the library bag earlier. Thought maybe you just stopped by there and checked those out, or ... WOMAN Nope. "I'm not just the president, I'm also a client ..." ( Beat.) That one wig commercial? The Hair Club for Men or something ... MAN Oh, right ... right! ( Laughs.) That's funny. Yeah. Who do they think is really gonna fall for that stuff? WOMAN I dunno! It always looks so cheesy when guys do that ... people should just go with it, you know? I mean, whatever they look like. It's ... MAN Yeah. I agree. ( Points.) That's a lot of videos there. WOMAN It was a long weekend ... MAN Right. ( Smiles.) So, lemme guess ... When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, probably, ummm ... WOMAN Wrong. Take a look.  
She smiles at him as he reaches over and glances in the bag. Pulls a few out. Library emblem on each case.  
MAN The Guns of Navarone, Where Eagles Dare ... Ice Station Zebra? WOMAN I threw myself a little Alistair MacLean festival. MAN Huh. Don't get me wrong, because I love that stuff, but ... that's not very "girlie" of you. WOMAN You're probably just dating the wrong kinds of girls. They share a smile and a chuckle. The MAN reappraises her.  
 
MAN No doubt about that--I can't even call 'em "girls" without getting hit by a lawsuit, so ... ( Grins.) You're a librarian? WOMAN Yeah. Well, we don't really use that term anymore, but, ahh ... MAN Sure, of course! It's probably, like, "printed-word specialist" or something now, I suppose ... WOMAN Exactly. ( Beat.) They're always coming up with new names for stuff, something to make that person feel better ... a "refuse technician" or what have you. MAN That's so true ... WOMAN Right? Problem is, you still find yourself picking shit up off the street, no matter what they call you! I mean ... you know ...  
He laughs at this, and she joins in. The MAN studies her.  
MAN You have a terrific laugh. WOMAN Thanks. MAN You're welcome. A potty mouth, but a really cute laugh ... WOMAN That's sweet, thank you! ( Laughs.) Now that I'm so self-conscious that I'll never do it again ... MAN Exactly!  
They smile at each other and then don't know what to say next. They decide to take bites of their meals instead.  
WOMAN How's that spinach coming along? MAN Mmmmmmmm ... so darn good. WOMAN I bet. MAN Yeah. Yummy. WOMAN The pizza's terrific here. I come by all the time for it ... MAN I'll bet. ( Looks over at her.) I just mean ... you know. If it's so good, I would understand. That. ( Beat.) Please-help-me. WOMAN I get what you meant. MAN Great. WOMAN You shouldn't be so nervous ... I mean, if we're gonna start dating. MAN What? WOMAN I'm kidding. MAN Oh, right. Got it. Little slow!  
They laugh together. He looks around, self-consciously.  
WOMAN I'm sorry. You should've seen your face ... MAN What? No ... WOMAN I thought you were gonna choke on your avocado there ... MAN That's not true, come on ... WOMAN Pretty close. MAN No, that's not ... why would you say that? You just caught me off guard is all. Seriously. WOMAN Anyway, I was just playing. Big people are jolly, remember? MAN Ummm-hmmm ... WOMAN It's one of our best qualities. MAN Well, at least you've got one. WOMAN And you don't? MAN Ahhh ... open for debate. WOMAN Really? MAN I mean ... you know, if I really had to come up with one, for, say, the big guy upstairs or whatever, I'd probably do something like "does not run with scissors" or one of those. "Plays well with others." WOMAN Really? Handsome guy like you and that's all you're good for ... to look at? MAN Pretty much. WOMAN Good to know. ( Opens a pudding.) You want one? MAN Nah, I shouldn't ... WOMAN Why? MAN Excellent question. Okay.  
He takes a tub of rice pudding from her and digs in.  
WOMAN Good? MAN Mmmmmmm ... wonderful. Haven't done that in ages. WOMAN What? MAN Enjoyed myself. Like that. Put something in my mouth without reading the back label like some Bible scholar ...  
He gives an example--holding the pudding up to the light as if it was an antiquity and squinting at it. Examining it from all angles. This makes her laugh again. A lot.  
MAN All right, okay, we're gonna have to ask you to leave ... You're actually enjoying yourself during the workweek. WOMAN Right! Sorry ... MAN No, I told you, I love your laugh. It's okay. WOMAN Thanks. Again. MAN You're welcome ... WOMAN So ... no other good qualities, huh? MAN Ahhhhh, I suppose. Faithful friend and co-worker, dependable, takes directions well. WOMAN What about good lover? Not on the list?  
The MAN stares at her, glances around. She keeps looking right at him.  
MAN That's very direct ... WOMAN Librarians are funny people. MAN I guess ... I shouldn't've let my ca...